my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket