I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
That’s it.I’m out.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase