*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
It’s the weekend y’all
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding