I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
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Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
i want to work in this restaurant
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on