ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”