“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
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Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.