Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.