Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.