knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
You Might Also Like
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*serious situation*
My brain:
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators