@RandiLawson

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

@RandiLawson

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

@RandiLawson

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

@RandiLawson

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@RandiLawson

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

@RandiLawson

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

@RandiLawson

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

@RandiLawson

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones