that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
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I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*