if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
so, is there a mister shapen head
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!