“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
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Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
✌️
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner