boat question
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
this FaceApp is creepy af
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism