genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
#FunnyLife Insects
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
If you had more money you’d be happier.