Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
moms in horror movies
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.