[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.