12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
crochet youtube is brutal
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!