Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
The best shot in the history of golf
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*