Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Body by Oreos
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve