T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”