What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
You Might Also Like
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.