Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I hope they boil the right one.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.