Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
marvel comics have peaked
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER