I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Watson was Holmes schooled
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.