[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
grotesque if literal: baby food
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot