I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
the answer was staring at me all along
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?