Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Come back with a warrant
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one