There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
what does he know…
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.