[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
At least my masseuse has my back.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth