Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely