6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
You Might Also Like
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Lmfao
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?