“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.