Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My work here is done
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.