Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
The days of good grammer has went
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.