Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.