I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
getting groceries
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math