prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
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[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT