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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.