You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
catch me on valentine’s day like
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.