@RealDMK

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

@RealDMK

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

@RealDMK

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

@RealDMK

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

@RealDMK

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

@RealDMK

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

@RealDMK

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

@RealDMK

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!