Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.