12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.