(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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😜
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?