I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.