1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
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5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
pep talk
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.