[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
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[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Huge, if true.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
marvel comics have peaked
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!