Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“That’s what” – She
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.