If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
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There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
So true for me
Children of the corn 🌽
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine