Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.